Minus the Racket of My Thoughts

Candid conversation: I want to be a person of faith based upon worship, tradition, love, admiration, adoration, hope, and representation. A few weeks ago I was challenged with questions and looked at for faith-proving answers from one of my teachers. He spoke to confirm, not to judge which gave me the utmost respect that I had never thought to grant him previously. I was asked question upon question and found myself defending who I am, but at the same time learning who that 'who I am' is. I am Catholic. I am 'Universal' (this is what Catholic means). I am not ashamed and bashful enough to not stand and say it and mean it. "I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the Communion of Saints, the Forgiveness of Sins..." I believe.

However, I know that I do not want to be the version of Catholic of those in my family. I do not choose to live by 100% blind faith because I am tossed into the tide of Catholicism at birth. I want to know the Trinity more than I ever have in recent months. I want to show the fervor and zeal that so many do. It is so hard. It is SO hard. I've realized that love and worship of Creator is a lot like love of humans. I am referring to romantic love, but I guess any type is relatable. This morning on the radio, the DJs were talking about marriage and how divorce is at an overwhelming high. Also, it was stated that divorce is most prevalent within the very early years of marriage. The woman started talking about how sad it was that whenever she tells anyone she has been married for three years she gets this look like "You know it's coming. You'll do it better the second time around". How horrible. She was shocked. She exclaimed: "Don't we know that marriage is a big deal? That it takes work? That it is about the good and rough patches? And love for another above yourself?" It hit me. Isn't that what God asks of us? Isn't that what we are reaching for; a relationship defined in our submission to Him?

Prayer has been on my mind so much lately because I am trying to train myself to pray and talk to God in order to possess the relationship I should. Minus the racket of my thoughts, I would be just fine. Unfortunately, that racket is always there. I have a hard time concentrating on God when we pray in classes. It's funny but I echo what the teacher or student is praying in my head because otherwise I don't feel connected. In Adoration I pray by use of pen and paper, which is a dangerous habit for me. A few times I've found myself letting my letters ponder. I am ashamed of those times. Matthew 26:40 says "When he returned to his disciples he found them asleep. He said to Peter, "So you could not keep watch with me for one hour? Watch and pray that you may not undergo the test. The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." This is one of my favorite verses. It is accountablity for making time for Jesus, His Father, and the Spirit. On my religion quiz today I missed the 3 purposes of Scripture. Well, now they are so apparent in this verse. To set goals (or something like that), to show our sins, and to prove our need for a Savior. I don't think I will forget it again.

Some don't understand what Adoration is. It is the Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament. This means that the Holy Eucharist is present in a chapel for adoration, praise, prayer, and worship. I think it is beautiful that the tradition the Catholic church has is based upon that one verse above, to watch one hour with Jesus. And that is just what Adoration is; one hour or one minute, it is looking at the face of Jesus. It is beautiful. It is silence or music. Thoughts or refrain of. It is the availability for the absence of pain and suffering. In the last day, I have had the most overwhelming urge to be present in front of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Maybe not in St. Jerome's Chapel, as beautiful as it is. But more than anything I want to go back to Dominican. Tonight I wanted to be there in there beautiful chapel and ask Jesus "Am I suppose to be here? Is this where you will teach me to serve and honor you in whatever way I can? Is it?" Soon I will go back there. Soon I will pray in that Chapel for the first of what I hope will be thousands of times and I will ask him "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; when there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. Grant that I may not so much seekvto be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand, to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying [to ourselves] that we are born to eternal life."

St. Teresa of Avila commented on prayer: "Prayer is an act of love, words are not needed. Even if sickness distracts from thoughts, all that is needed is the will to love." This ties into a verse I have been thinking of often. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray without ceasing". Pray without ceasing, without hollow words and distance thoughts but with your actions and love of Him who died for you.